After years of litigation, song re-recordings, cryptic snake emojis, and Easter eggs hidden in cereal, Taylor Swift has officially repurchased her first six albums — AGAIN.
And boy, this time she did it with full sass, glitter, and a truckload of passive-aggressive charm.
Standing outside the corporate office where the repurchase was finalized, Taylor waved a giant glittery banner that said, “You Belong With Me… Literally, Now.”
Swift paid $300 million, a signed friendship bracelet, and exclusive rights to her next 5 cat-themed music videos, to repurchase the masters — again.
Industry insiders believe the deal was finalized after Taylor sent a handwritten note with 13 heart stickers.
Back in 2019, Taylor’s original masters were sold to Scooter “I’m Not the Villain You Think I Am” Braun, which started a popculture war of Shakespearean proportions. Swift responded by re-recording her albums and labeling them, “Taylor’s Version”, a total boss move that caused every copyright lawyer to cry tears of joy and confusion.
Now she has both versions. Its like owning both the past, and the present.
Insiders are claiming that Taylor will soon release “Taylor’s Version’s Original Version,” which will include all six albums – with commentary, bloopers, dramatic sighs, and sounds of her eating ice cream while crying during the creation of Red.
The rumour mill has also been spinning about a golden ticket hidden inside a random deluxe album box which will entitle the winner to a lifetime supply of chai lattes, and one awkward dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal!
Unverified reports are also claiming that her three cats — Meredith, Olivia, and Benjamin — are named co-owners of the albums, and this makes them the first feline executives in the music industry! Sources say Olivia Benson was spotted in a tiny pantsuit, signing the contracts with a paw print.
Now she owns her past, rules her present, and has probably written a song about this whole mess, “Master of Masters (Taylor’s Empowered Version).”
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