Insiders are claiming the most emotionally low-maintenance relationship of his life, Hollywood heartthrob Brad Pitt has allegedly adopted a cactus named Spike following a heated custody mediation with ex-wife Angelina Jolie.
Sources say that Pitt 61 spotted the lonely succulent at the Whole Foods in Malibu while browsing the “Plants That Judge You Less” section. Witnesses claim he stared at the cactus for seven minutes straight. He whispered, “You get me, don’t you?” and walked out cradling it like Simba from The Lion King. The cactus is verified via Instagram and has already garnered 1.2 million followers and a brand deal with a luxury hydraion mist line called Thorné
In a rare comment to Leaf Weekly, Angelina Jolie said, “I’m happy for him. It’s nice he finally found something prickly that doesn’t talk back.” Her rep later clarified she was “definitely not referring to Shia LaBeouf.”
Not to be outdone, Jolie was seen exiting an organic bonsai boutique with what appeared to be a 300-year-old Japanese maple named Susan. Reports say Susan and Spike are now being considered for a reality show on Hulu titled “Plant Parenthood: Growing Apart.”
Fellow A-lister Jennifer Aniston commented on Instagram, “I knew Brad needed someone grounded. So glad he’s finally settled with someone who doesn’t ghost him — unless it’s drought season.”
Ryan Reynolds chimed in with, “If this cactus gets a People’s Sexiest Plant Alive cover before I do, I’m suing.”
Meanwhile, in a surprise twist, Spike made a cameo in the background of Billie Eilish’s new music video, nestled between two dystopian mannequins. “He’s a vibe,” she posted, with a single cactus emoji.
According to an anonymous source (who might be George Clooney after two margaritas), Brad has already started writing a screenplay inspired by his new best friend. The working title? “Photosynthesis: A Love Story.”
Talks are underway with Wes Anderson to direct, with Tilda Swinton rumored to play Spike in a live-action/stop-motion hybrid.
As Hollywood continues to embrace emotional support flora, we can only hope for peace, healing, and maybe a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Plant.
Stay tuned for more updates on this developing bromance. Keep reading Fakyshaky.
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